I, rarely, am mopey on this blog because I don't believe in getting hung up on any depressing issues. That is my self-preservation instinct kicking in. When I get depressed or sad about something I can't stop thinking about it for days on end. So I push away the issue so that I don't even have enough time to think about it.
But sometimes it does happen that I am unable to do so and the self-doubting thoughts creep into my mind. I do think, writing about it does help so here I am (HA! I can totally think of a quote which relates to me - "Earlier people used to get depressed. Now, they go on talk shows").
Anyway, since there are some new readers on my blog (A huge welcome, by the way!) I need to do the Bollywood-style flashback on some of the events.
Almost six months ago, I had applied for a job internally and had got selected for it too. The people were the new faculty who had joined the department. I thought that it was going to be good for me as it was a promotion and I will be working for a more dynamic group.
But things went horribly wrong. What happened was that the people didn't turn out to be like I had expected. In one week, I was sure that I would go out of my mind if I stuck with them. They were a mess and when I would try to clean something up they would have problems with it. Everything was supposed to be done their way, the appointments were shuffled around without me knowing about it and worst of all, they were rude. I couldn't stand it.
Basically, I left the job within two weeks and came back to my old job. This is where my current problem starts. Don't get me wrong, I was happy about this - that I could come back to job that I loved and the people who appreciated me.
But the problem was that I lost my confidence. I am now not sure if I can learn and handle new things.
Couple of weeks ago, one of the grant admins left her job to go to a new one. Two of my coworkers and three colleagues (which included a director and my supervisor) expressed confidence that I could do this job and asked me to apply for it.
DH, bless his heart, loved the idea but told me - "whatever you think will make you happy, hun". Let me tell you, that didn't make it easy.
I wanted to grow, I wanted to earn more, I wanted to learn more, I wanted to be a career person but I was way too afraid to think what will happen if I fall flat on my ass. I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror.
Last Wednesday, my immediate supervisor called me into her office and we started talking about M/M romance books (yeah, a story about that coming up soon) which eventually led to random stuff that was going on in my work life and she asked me to shut the door and take a seat.
Basically what she told me was :: "I, fucking, love you. I will be crazy depressed if you leave this job coz EVERYONE loves you and your shoes will be crazy big to fill in (her exact words). But honestly, if you don't apply for this job, I will think you are the crazy one! You have so much potential and drive. I really think you will do good. The boss is good - she is an awesome person. I will kill to be in her team. Also this is the right growth opportunity for you".
I was floored by her confidence in me. I went home and discussed with DH and we decided that I will see what to do after I talk with the other Director who will be posting the job.
Last Thursday I did talk to her. I was happy and confident and on this Sunday, I did apply for the job.
But you know what? I am still scared. It still feels as if I am stepping off a cliff with blindfolds on. I know that it is a cliff but not sure when I will lose the ground and step into thin air.
It is pretty scary.
But sometimes it does happen that I am unable to do so and the self-doubting thoughts creep into my mind. I do think, writing about it does help so here I am (HA! I can totally think of a quote which relates to me - "Earlier people used to get depressed. Now, they go on talk shows").
Anyway, since there are some new readers on my blog (A huge welcome, by the way!) I need to do the Bollywood-style flashback on some of the events.
Almost six months ago, I had applied for a job internally and had got selected for it too. The people were the new faculty who had joined the department. I thought that it was going to be good for me as it was a promotion and I will be working for a more dynamic group.
But things went horribly wrong. What happened was that the people didn't turn out to be like I had expected. In one week, I was sure that I would go out of my mind if I stuck with them. They were a mess and when I would try to clean something up they would have problems with it. Everything was supposed to be done their way, the appointments were shuffled around without me knowing about it and worst of all, they were rude. I couldn't stand it.
Basically, I left the job within two weeks and came back to my old job. This is where my current problem starts. Don't get me wrong, I was happy about this - that I could come back to job that I loved and the people who appreciated me.
But the problem was that I lost my confidence. I am now not sure if I can learn and handle new things.
Couple of weeks ago, one of the grant admins left her job to go to a new one. Two of my coworkers and three colleagues (which included a director and my supervisor) expressed confidence that I could do this job and asked me to apply for it.
DH, bless his heart, loved the idea but told me - "whatever you think will make you happy, hun". Let me tell you, that didn't make it easy.
I wanted to grow, I wanted to earn more, I wanted to learn more, I wanted to be a career person but I was way too afraid to think what will happen if I fall flat on my ass. I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror.
Last Wednesday, my immediate supervisor called me into her office and we started talking about M/M romance books (yeah, a story about that coming up soon) which eventually led to random stuff that was going on in my work life and she asked me to shut the door and take a seat.
Basically what she told me was :: "I, fucking, love you. I will be crazy depressed if you leave this job coz EVERYONE loves you and your shoes will be crazy big to fill in (her exact words). But honestly, if you don't apply for this job, I will think you are the crazy one! You have so much potential and drive. I really think you will do good. The boss is good - she is an awesome person. I will kill to be in her team. Also this is the right growth opportunity for you".
I was floored by her confidence in me. I went home and discussed with DH and we decided that I will see what to do after I talk with the other Director who will be posting the job.
Last Thursday I did talk to her. I was happy and confident and on this Sunday, I did apply for the job.
But you know what? I am still scared. It still feels as if I am stepping off a cliff with blindfolds on. I know that it is a cliff but not sure when I will lose the ground and step into thin air.
It is pretty scary.
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9 Opinions:
It is so hard to make a change--and then to have it be the wrong one--truly it is a confidence killer. SO, step back, take a deep breath and focus on how good you are at what you do--don't let the world crowd in on you--don't let self-doubt snake it's way into your soul, breathe, relax and say to yourself...I got this...this thing here?? this thing I can do...and do it well. My warmest thoughts to you Raji--go conquer your corner of the world today!
You write the most beautiful comments, Sammy. Thank you so much for the confidence boost!
I agree with Sammy. Don't be afraid because you know you are good at what you do. You have so many people who support you and believe in you, you only need to believe in yourself. Whatever you end up doing, I know you'll be great and I wish you all the happiness in the world :)
Thank you so much, my BBB! I am nervous but excited to see if I will even be granted an interview :) But as of right now I like the fact that I have applied for it and reveling in that feeling.
Great blog Brahmin, I read some of your older posts they were quite funny, I like your sense of humour...but it is 3 am here and I thought since I work in the morning I better turn off my computer and get into bed....where my kindle happes to be...but I am not going to turn it on.. it's to late....
Anyway I am tired and probably not making sense but I wanted to say cool blog and your definately one of the cool kids like in high school...I so want to follow you so I clicked on your page and now I am a loyal follower ...
MFB - Thank you :)
Good for you for applying. You can do it :)
Thanks Kathy! :)
Good Luck Raji! Just knowing you, and moreover looking at what your supervisor has said, you definitely have it in you! Go conquer!
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